Epiphany/Catharsis/Miracles

Existance is beautiful.
Like the glistening arms of a nymph stepping out from the rage of an ocean, life bleeds with the juice of the moment. There are storms that inhale the sky. When the sky wakes up, the day has yet not come. So the sky and the moon tell stories of the first fire to an audience of burning stars.
A little girl with fire in her hair, the first fire of her world, draws eight squares on the dust in her feet. She jumps into one-and out of one-and into one--
Hopscotch.
The story of existance.
And Love.


Keep talking....
I hear you.

The weather is not bloody letting up. Abotabad was perfect as always. I love the place. Its got great weather, gorgeous landscape, and is not completely uncivilized(that is, you CAN find access to cableTV, the internet, and even Pringles, if you know the right places, or people.) At the same time though, its got niches of complete wilderness, absolute silence, and the kind of sound one only hears in untouched parts of this world, the sound of the wind, the leaves, grasshoppers, rushing water, and most deeply, the sound of silence.
I can write. And paint. And think. I do a lot of thinking every time i go to Abotabad. Ive come to seriously think that the place, for me, induces thought. It a rejuvenating stimulant. In some ways, an emotional cathartic vessel.
I breathe and I dream.
Abotabad holds memories. Nothing particularly big. Or "memorable" in a strictly conventional sense. But there is a soft familiarity here, faint whiffs of nostalgia tinging the mountain air. PErhaps, its because we alsways stay in or near the Baloch Mess and that in itself is an experience.
At sunset, I hike up to the Baloch Mess(if we3're not staying there in the first place). This is an army resort-kinda thing, very exclusive, very posh and at an enormous height from the surrounding areas. So when you stand there, you basically tower over all other mountains and the surrounding areas of Abotabad. Right in front of the Baloch Mess, there is a long flight of stone steps leading from an army sitting area from further below right to the highest point of the Mess. So at sunset, I sit on the higgest point of these stone stairs, and watch the sun go down. As the sun goes down, tiny dots of light begin to emege on the surrounding mountains. These are lights from the many small towns and villages sprinkled over these moutains in randomly scattered clusters. As night gradually begins to fall, more and more of these lights begin to appear,a n dthe whole process, for a faithful observer, is as if someone is scattering a host of fireflies or a handful of bright, blinking jewels all over the dark mountains. It is a breathtaking experience. I go there after dinner too and watch these blinking lights over the darkness surrounding me. I can sit there all night. I don't, because I'm alone. My mother has issues with that.lol.

So yeah, that's Abotabad. And I'm back. And missing that place like hell.
I wonder at how it will literally be a year before I can go back there again. And change, its like an endemic disease. I don't want Abotabad to change. But it will. I wonder what it will look like after a year. I wonder if my place on the stone steps, where I come up to God and talk to him, will be fenced over. I wonder what "change" will do.


Much as I advocate :change", some things are best kept as they are. Untouched. That is where you find God.

What is UP with the wheather? It seems to have lost all concern and consideration for the humble mortal sitting at its doorstep. The air is thick and swollen. I could cut it up into nice, thick slices and blow candles on it for my birthday cake, really. That's how humid and clogged-up it is.
I cease to function in the head when the weather gets like that.My body works. The mechanics of complex cell division. My head doesnt. My MIND doesn't. It hikes up its skirts and pulls up its legs to sit down comfortably on a fence and watch me struggling to put two and two together.

I miss the wind.

There is a part of me that is afraid to let relegion go.Islam go.No matter how acutely logic dictates, no matter how deeply I think, I cling onto faith. Today,I asked myself why. I tried the elimination method first(the one they teach us while we do our MCQ's).
It is not because:
1. Fear of social acceptability.
Society is both the reformer and the assassin. Either way, it strangles. So over time, I have come to merely dismiss(or laugh silently) at social moral codes. I make my own yardstick of "right" and "wrong". A flexible, changeable, evolutionary yardstick. So no, I dont fear social acceptability.Infact, "weird" or "Crazy" is always a compliment.

2. Parental Pressure
Not really, no. My parents matter. But when it comes to beliefs, I do my own thing. Its always been this way.

I think, the real reason is that I am afraid of the uncertainity. And the gut feeling ofcourse. Something in me tells me not to forsake Islam. Ofocurse, the more "logical" minded would just counter this by telling me that my "gut" or whatever's "inside" me is a product of the enviroment I have grown up in. So it, most essentially, is not a free, unbiased opinion. I think like that because I know no other way, and if I do, the sense of belief-superiority has internalized in me, and I can't break free. Logic, for them, would be a fairly objective means of guaging if something stands, or is capable of standing on its own two feet. In the case of which, logic, for them, would be the onlyway to decide whether Islam can be called the ideal state of being and belief. Or way of life.
The second reason, for me, is the uncertainity. I doubt the powers of logic alone. Today, for example, if I act under the restrictions of logic and "rationale", and dismiss relegion as being "illogical" or "unscientific", what happens if, twelve years from now, I suddenely stumble onto something that tells me to believe in the exact opposite. That convinces me that Islam is, infact, correct. On every account. What if the warnings of hell, of afterlife, of the grave, what if they are all true?..Ah.yes. I am afraid. It's time i accepted that. I am afraid. That leap requires courage. And something in me just wants to keep certain avenues and options open.
Ever since I began to learn more about athiesm, and alienation from different relegions, I've struggled to explain things with Islam in context. I try to bring relegion in.I try tomake it reconcilewith logic. Maybe because I want an evolution of thought for myself. Not a sudden, erratic leap. Sudden insights exist. But they rest on a foundation of centuries of thought.
As most of my athiest friends would say, that's fairly impossible. Relegion and Science?..No. Absolutely nil compatibility.

I used to think so too. Infact I was so sure, that I told myself that if i was to remain a muslim,a believer, there would HAVE to be some elements of blind faith in me.

And yet, today I read something that made me wonder. The author said that Evolution, is not the cause of "random" mutations.(as science rests). There is a purpose behind these mutations. If for example, we were watching the Big Bang happening from a distance, it wouldn't have made much sense. It is only now, that we understand its importance. It led to us. WE gave it meaning. So essentially, its importance is beacause of us. It led toOUR creation, and WE, through our universal consciousness and out yearning to understand life and the universe, gave it meaning. So the wholepurpose, behind evolution, really, is US. The universe is in a constant struggle to understand itself, to explain itself, and that is why the dinosaurs had to come. That is why, the meteorite had to hit.That is why the amphibians happened, and that is why we evolved as human beings from the first lobe-finned fish. WE are not the effect of these events. WE are the REASON why they happened. It is in us, that nature culminates.

Frogs, fish, cockroaches, they just are. We are the only living creatures who try to understand this universe. The pair of cells, that holds our genetic material, that is what is passed down from age after age, being preserved, and reaching enough complexity in the human being to makehim think right back to the BIg Bang. Right across the stars and the galaxies. We are not just there. We see beyond our time. Because really, in the end, it is US that we are looking at. Through billions of years.

In this context, is it not possible that the genetic material, the macromolecule, that is the core of evolution, COULD evolve even further, and when it does, is it not possible that it can overcome the limitations of time. If it can, is it not possible that the "metaphysical" CAN exist?..Except its notreally "metaphysical", its just a higher stage of evolution. And in that context, is it also not possible that it is this metaphysical state, perhaps, that is reffered to as "heaven" or "hell". Or the End of this world?

Similarly, when Islam talks about "Ashraf-ul-Makhlooqat", the title that itgives to the human being, it is perhaps in this context. That the reason all of this universe happened the way it did, was US. WE, were the ultimate end. An understanding of itself(the universe)was the ultiamte end. And the only way it could understand itself, was through us . Evolution led to the highly developed human organism, but it was not random. Development of the consciousness WAS the ultimate end. Everything that happened was a means to that end. And sometimes, history HAS taken parallell routes to get to that end.


Science forgets to imbue meaning. It makes causal relationships, but it forgets context. And that is where "logic",per say,begins to falter.


They say matter comes before its products. In that context, the Big Bang existed, with or without us. We are aproduct of an event. They have similar ideas about thought and emotions. That they are products of an objective reality. But here comes the "chicken-and-egg" argument. It is true that the Big Bang existed before us, but if we assume that there was a purpose to the Bang, and that purpose was in developing a consciousness, then really, isnt the CONSCIOUSNESS responsible for the Big Bang. Is it not then, the other way around. The ONLYreason the big bang existed was to lead to the creation of a human consciousness. Similarly, the only REASON that the brain exists is to think. Everything it does, is to allow the vessel, or the body, that does the thinking to function properly. So the ultimate end, for it, is thought. In that context then, thought evolves from the brain, but its also the reason why the brain exists. Its two setsof objective realities complementing each other. And then perhaps, we can answer the question of whether a soul truly exists.

My mind is spinning. I need to sit down and think now.So more on thislater.

My mind is spinning.
"Maya".
We are not the effect. We are the reason for everything that happens. WE are why the Big Bang happened, why the dinosaurs died out, why the meteor hit.US.
Our consciousness, the universe's consciousness as it tries to understand itself. Through us, it reaches the culmination. Through us, it gives meaning to random events in time. Because WE are the universal consciousness. WE understand. And that is why, we are the whole point.

Histroy bites its own tail. There IS a purpose to evolution. It is not a random bunch of mutations. No.The purpose is understanding. The purpose is US. The eye that views the universe is the universe's own eye.

"Maya".


It takes billions of years to create a human being. Billions of years to finally reach some sense of an understanding of the great design. And it takes only a few seconds for a human being to die.

So today I discovered threads of reconciliation between relegion and evolution.I'm really excited about this. lol. I know it sounds wierd,but I get all passionate about ideas..birthday-party-excitement. Really.
Along the road that had led me from being born a muslim to athiesm, agnosticism, and these days, pantheism, I have struggles to try and find ways to bring relegion and logic together. Science and relegion in the same breath. I used to think that was impossible. But today, after reading "Maya" by Jostein Gaardner, I think I justmay have touched on something fundamentally important.More on this later. I need to think.

Ah. The end.

School, Ladies and Gentlemen, has officially ended. Since I have no worries of reappearing in any of the exams any time soon, finality reverberates in this end.

We went to PapaSallie's. The place we've been going to for the past 6 years. One final "PaspaSallie's" moment. Before we all go our ways. Technically speaking ofcourse, we didn't. Not after dinner there, any way.:)..We went to Mariam's for a sleepover. Talked and talked and talked the entire nigth through. I really don;t think we left anything untouched. We stripped every possible issue in this world(in our own meek,personal capacity, ofcourse) of its covers. The nitty gritty. Secrets came out. Opinions. Ideas. Love.

Oh and we watched "The Ring 2" too. lol. I still have to figure out why its supposed to be scary. These scary-movie-walas, they don't really understand what fear is. They confuse it with thrill, suspense and negative excitement. Most people, the audience, they confuse all those emotions with fear too. But its not fear.
Fear is quiet. Very subdued. And that is why its chilling. Because its not a momentary adrenaline rush. Its there to stay. Fear. Real fear. It becomes a part of a person. Like a virus, it spreads, and ultimately , takes over.
THAT's fear. Not a woman screaming because she sees water flying into the air and a child with sodden, gray eyes. Not blood. And definitely not a creepy kid who wears deep red color on his lips and smiles these demented, god-forsaken smiles. I mean, really. What is "fear" coming to?...lol.

So anyway...its hard for me to connect to people sometimes. A lot of the times, actually. Almost all the time, infact. I can see through them a tad bit more than is necessary. So discomfort seeps in. Because I know. And because they know that I know. We work all our lives to sew this elaborate, layered robe over ourselves. We build ourselves teh way we want other people to see us. But everybody hides. Everybody has a dark side. And when they suddenely realize that someone can see through their clothing, they don't like it. In reataliation, some become meanies, others put on a strictly European "nose-in-the-air" snobbisness, some just withdraw. No one confesses. No one accepts. No one really reflects.
In the end, it is as if, we were all running from ourselves.

I'm thinking about what I'm doing this summer these days. Last summer I worked for "Dawn", the newspaper. A crash course in basic journalism. Fun. A lot of fun, actually. This time, though, I want something different. I could join an NGO, but this time, I just feel like painting. I feel like drawing and painting and sculpting my heart out. SO if I can convince my mom to splurge for art classes at Mansoor Rahi's, I think taht's what I'm going to do. Art and Philosphy. And old-book shops. And my music. My datesheet for the summer. Oh and Gym, too. I need to lose weight in anticipation of the freshman fat I'm inevitably going to gain, first year of college.

So yeah..a little bit of writing, some reading, a little scuplture and paint, music, Hira and her Lahore/Multan extravaganzas, and playing with Hasan(my almost 5-year old cousin, and the one pure, fat , warm, icecream love of my life). Not bad for a last, completely free summer.

My one last summer before life changes.

I can't believe I'm posting another shmuck-filled whine-a-thon(or soliloquoy, in euphemistically literary terminology).
I dont want to leave. Today was the last exam. I sat on the bench with Mariam and Meher and watched the group of kids coming out of the library(aka. examination hall). In their dangling ties, and their exam-friendly beards, and their fly-away hair. I watched as Akbar acted crazy, Usman chuss-ofied, Bisma chuss-ofied even worse, and Taha acted as if he'd just ran an hour-long marathon(the exam:P). I watched Rida and Zara and Aveen.

I began to remember.

This isn;t just a "moving-on". This is a trade-off between our lives as they were till now, and the real world. Sharp. Nostalgic. But inevitable.

Words, they feel like reed pipes. Hollow.

When I was in Egypt, I kept getting compliments on my articulance, but when it comes right down to things that really, really matter, where sentiment tends to overflow, I shut up. Words seem crass. Like sex without love. And paintings without a purpose.So I shutup. Silence is much the stronger force.Much the deeper.